Dear diary – Overwhelmed.

12:15am on a Sunday night and I have a sudden urge to write. I haven’t written a blog post since November 2020 and wow I remember writing and feeling every word of that post.

I was going to say not much has changed but to be honest I need to cut myself more slack. A lot has changed. I have been through A LOT. And you know what? We are still fighting through.

I won’t lie; this journey has went on a lot longer than I thought it would. I thought a few months, maybe 6 max and I’ll be back to myself. We are now on month 10, cycle 3 of chemo, lying in my bed with my new addition shazreen. (Stoma bag) the thing that frightened me more than cancer itself. With no real clue if I will ever be ‘myself’ again.

I don’t really have much of a point or substance to this blog post other than I am feeling overwhelmed at the minute and writing these exact words down seems to be the only way I ever overcome it. I find it extremely hard to say it out loud to people or even to myself.

I feel like everyone thinks I’m doing ‘amazing’ so i must be ok? The ‘how are you’ texts have faded, the constant talking about it has lessened ( I ain’t mad about this lol) & yes I am ok but I am in a far away place from ever feeling like I did before this unwanted guest arrived in my life and honestly who even knows if I will ever be her again.

I’ll continue to take each day as it comes, each week as a goal, each month as a new start and each year I have ahead as a blessing. I hope the next blog post I am writing will be a ‘IM FINISHED’ post and I can read back on it with sheer pride in myself.

As hard as it is, as drained as I am I get up every day and keep going because you know what, we are only accepting Aisling winning this one gals.

Talk soon, lotsa love

AG xxo

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