What it’s really like living with cancer

Wow what a title. Dramatic eh? 🤣

Last week I feel like it’s actually really hit me that I’m ‘living with cancer’. Obviously and hopefully this won’t be forever but for the first time since being diagnosed a few months ago, it’s sunk in.

This might sound stupid and I can’t really explain it but I feel like I’ve nothing really to do right now so my thoughts are running away with me. When I got the initial diagnosis everyone around me was amazing, thoughtful, caring and quite frankly more upset than me. I was meeting people for lunches, coffees explaining what was going on like it was a script. I was telling my story; but it was that rehearsed it almost sounded like someone else’s life that I don’t think I was even hearing myself.

I got ready to begin my treatment and as I did that we went into another lockdown. I feared I would feel scared and alone having to go to the hospital every day by myself but i actually managed fine and strangely enjoyed the routine of having somewhere to go every day lol. 5 weeks flew by and I finished my last day of radiotherapy two weeks ago.

I’m now on a 6 week ‘break’. This is the time the treatment needs to fully work and hopefully shrink the tumour down to be operable on. I now have to rest, recuperate and try to process the harsh treatment my body has just went through – this is where I struggle, doing nothing lol.

When I rang that bell it was almost like I let a release of emotions out. I have felt very vulnerable and overwhelmed recently and I’m trying to process why am I feeling like this now? In my head I’m like I’ve handled it all so well before now why am I now starting to struggle? My support system is still amazing and my health team are all there if I need anything at all but I cannot help but feel so alone. So distracted with what my future will look like, so sad that it may not be what I envisioned for myself. I don’t think anyone will ever understand or fully relate on what you’re going through unless you have had the c word.

I know these thoughts and feelings are fine and I’m normal to feel them every now and again on this very long journey. I’m so unbelievably grateful to not feel harshly sick or be suffering with any major side effects so by writing this I just wanted to share a bit of what it looks like inside my head, some reality behind the looking ‘good’ on the outside. I have felt by being so open and honest with my story so far on social media it’s letting me deal with it in my own way, so for everyone who’s supported me with that, thank you. For everyone who randomly checks in to see ‘how I am’ thank you for that also, it’s not an easy time and one simple message can turn someone’s day around.

So while I take my 6 weeks to rest and get ready for the next stage of my journey, i accept a new set of thoughts and learn how to work them into the healing process of this mad mad year and get ready to keep on fighting.

Speak soon,

Lotsa love

Ag xxo

Living in lockdown – how are we really getting on?!

Well gals, here we are.

Week 67 of lockdown?

I have honestly lost count of the time, days and weeks at the minute. Every day is Groundhog Day.

How are you getting on?

I think we have all been asked this question / asked this question to someone recently lol but does anyone really know the answer? Truth is there is no right or wrong way to feel in this situation because nobody has ever done it before. We are living in literal history. This will be a GCSE question in 20 years time folks 🤣.

I have been back home with my family for just over 6 weeks now, I was home for a ten day break before this really kicked off and low and behold I never got back to London. I don’t think we ever expected it to get this bad. For me ( and this sounds stupid I know) i just thought the rest of the world would go through it and we would skip on by somehow. Now we are all adjusting to the new ‘normal’.

Now more than ever, we are on our phones constantly, social media flat out refreshing looking at what everyone is doing and sharing what we are doing. I am grateful for this as I have a bit of a platform to distract myself with and throw my attention at. At the same time it can be the source of anxiety and stress. I only have a fraction of clothes with me; which is whatever I know because we aren’t going anywhere! But for me it’s the creative distraction I’m craving while I can’t work. Things like this can lead to constant comparison. Same with seeing people being more organised, doing more workouts, more baking more anything really. I am a very organised and routine driven person normally, so for me I need to write lists and plan things in my head to keep me going. Saying all this, I have had days where I have barley brushed my hair or got off the sofa mind you – but these days are gonna happen. While we all go through this new way of life what we need to remember is we can only do what feels right for us and our bodies. Some days we can take what everyone else is doing as motivation or we can say well fair play to them but I’m going to eat 5 Easter eggs today not run a 5k.

I can’t say I’ve learnt any new life skills so far but what advice I can give is to talk, be present and be kind. Keep in contact with everyone more now than ever, send a random message to someone you maybe haven’t seen in a while. Talk to your friends about how you’re feeling: even if it is to say you feel shit that day. Love everyone harder after this, hug everyone tighter and don’t ever say no to a night out again 😛

Stay safe everyone, see you on the other side of this.

Speak soon,

Lotsa love

AG xxo

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