I made sure to re read the last couple of posts before starting this as I knew it would make me re live all the feels I’ve been through over the last 15 months. I also knew it would make me feel proud and relief that I have in fact made the milestone that I was so badly running towards.
Does that make life absolutely perfect now?
I would bet my very miniscule bank balance on that nobody has the perfect life. Everyone would change something. I would have been one of these people before getting ‘sick‘ that probably never appreciated what I had.
Priorities have shifted, mindset has widened and I have learnt the hard way that my health really is my wealth. Sadly you don’t take that saying seriously unless it actually hits you personally.
Life after cancer truthfully, will never be the same. I am cautious of what i say here, because i am fully aware of how grateful and blessed i am to even be here sitting typing this post. I have came out the other side of the shitstorm that some people sadly don’t. What they dont tell you is that shitstorm will always be slightly brewing away.
I am overjoyed to have all the treatment behind me, i will soon say goodbye to shaz (my stoma) and ive so many new opportunites awaiting me – all so exciting?! But I will always have these underlying feelings of anger closely followed by guilt. Angry because why did it hit a 20 something year old single female who was just trying to make something of herself? Guilty for feeling that everything i went through should have happened to someone older, someone who has lived majority of their life, someone who has had a career and a family. This is just a glimpse of the horrible reality cancer leaves behind.
As I say I will never be the same now after my cancer diagnosis. I am mourning a loss, a loss of what I could have had, could have been. Some part of me will always feel damaged and broken but I am working so hard on that part feeling less overpowering and concentrating on the strong, independent and brave part of me who will win.
Cancer will forever now be a big part of my life but I will not let it define who I am and who I will grow to be in the future. I will make my life after cancer better than it ever was before. For me & for every person who has been caught up in the cancer shitstorm.