12:15am on a Sunday night and I have a sudden urge to write. I haven’t written a blog post since November 2020 and wow I remember writing and feeling every word of that post.
I was going to say not much has changed but to be honest I need to cut myself more slack. A lot has changed. I have been through A LOT. And you know what? We are still fighting through.
I won’t lie; this journey has went on a lot longer than I thought it would. I thought a few months, maybe 6 max and I’ll be back to myself. We are now on month 10, cycle 3 of chemo, lying in my bed with my new addition shazreen. (Stoma bag) the thing that frightened me more than cancer itself. With no real clue if I will ever be ‘myself’ again.
I don’t really have much of a point or substance to this blog post other than I am feeling overwhelmed at the minute and writing these exact words down seems to be the only way I ever overcome it. I find it extremely hard to say it out loud to people or even to myself.
I feel like everyone thinks I’m doing ‘amazing’ so i must be ok? The ‘how are you’ texts have faded, the constant talking about it has lessened ( I ain’t mad about this lol) & yes I am ok but I am in a far away place from ever feeling like I did before this unwanted guest arrived in my life and honestly who even knows if I will ever be her again.
I’ll continue to take each day as it comes, each week as a goal, each month as a new start and each year I have ahead as a blessing. I hope the next blog post I am writing will be a ‘IM FINISHED’ post and I can read back on it with sheer pride in myself.
As hard as it is, as drained as I am I get up every day and keep going because you know what, we are only accepting Aisling winning this one gals.
Talk soon, lotsa love
2 thoughts on “Dear diary – Overwhelmed.”
Aisling you are bound to feel overwhelmed, you have just been through a life changing surgery. It must take some getting used to having Shazreen around but is she going to be around permanently?
I’m sorry to hear your going through another cycle of chemo and hope it isn’t too aggressive. I think you are doing amazing because you look amazing, you would never guess Shazreen was there or that you were going through chemo if you hadn’t opened up about it and you always sound so upbeat. We really can’t always tell what’s going on on the inside. Don’t be afraid to take a break and be kind to yourself, you have come a very long way. I look forward to your post that will say it’s all finished and you come out the other side stronger and fitter than you have ever been x
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Hi Aisling, what a fabulous description of the mountains you have climbed! I feel every word of this, it describes what I feel perfectly though no way I could have written this as well as you have.
You are such an inspiration, I can’t wait for you to reach that finishing post and wish you lots and lots of good health and happiness xx
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