Wow what a title. Dramatic eh? 🤣
Last week I feel like it’s actually really hit me that I’m ‘living with cancer’. Obviously and hopefully this won’t be forever but for the first time since being diagnosed a few months ago, it’s sunk in.
This might sound stupid and I can’t really explain it but I feel like I’ve nothing really to do right now so my thoughts are running away with me. When I got the initial diagnosis everyone around me was amazing, thoughtful, caring and quite frankly more upset than me. I was meeting people for lunches, coffees explaining what was going on like it was a script. I was telling my story; but it was that rehearsed it almost sounded like someone else’s life that I don’t think I was even hearing myself.
I got ready to begin my treatment and as I did that we went into another lockdown. I feared I would feel scared and alone having to go to the hospital every day by myself but i actually managed fine and strangely enjoyed the routine of having somewhere to go every day lol. 5 weeks flew by and I finished my last day of radiotherapy two weeks ago.
I’m now on a 6 week ‘break’. This is the time the treatment needs to fully work and hopefully shrink the tumour down to be operable on. I now have to rest, recuperate and try to process the harsh treatment my body has just went through – this is where I struggle, doing nothing lol.
When I rang that bell it was almost like I let a release of emotions out. I have felt very vulnerable and overwhelmed recently and I’m trying to process why am I feeling like this now? In my head I’m like I’ve handled it all so well before now why am I now starting to struggle? My support system is still amazing and my health team are all there if I need anything at all but I cannot help but feel so alone. So distracted with what my future will look like, so sad that it may not be what I envisioned for myself. I don’t think anyone will ever understand or fully relate on what you’re going through unless you have had the c word.
I know these thoughts and feelings are fine and I’m normal to feel them every now and again on this very long journey. I’m so unbelievably grateful to not feel harshly sick or be suffering with any major side effects so by writing this I just wanted to share a bit of what it looks like inside my head, some reality behind the looking ‘good’ on the outside. I have felt by being so open and honest with my story so far on social media it’s letting me deal with it in my own way, so for everyone who’s supported me with that, thank you. For everyone who randomly checks in to see ‘how I am’ thank you for that also, it’s not an easy time and one simple message can turn someone’s day around.
So while I take my 6 weeks to rest and get ready for the next stage of my journey, i accept a new set of thoughts and learn how to work them into the healing process of this mad mad year and get ready to keep on fighting.